POLAROIDS AND GARDENS

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RYAN

I should try out to be official photographer for Oprah magazine.

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MORE BALKANS ETC.

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MEXICAN CHARLOTTE

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SUBBASEMENT

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MORE FUN WITH POLAROIDS

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ARI ON FILM

Everyone is throwing away professional film cameras like crazy so I picked up an almost new Mamiya 645 on ebay for around 500 bucks. For non-photography dorks, numbers like 645 or 6x7 refer to medium format film sizes. So the camera shoots professional film that is 3-4 times larger than a normal 35mm negative. I shot these photos of Ari to test it out and made some quick scans. I don't have a light meter yet so I guessed the exposure. Despite all the snapshots out at night I'm really only interested in posed portrait photography. I like the psychology of someone posing for a picture that represents them. It's much more interesting to me when they know the camera is there.

I'm gonna try and do some good stuff of Ari. At times, I'm tricked into seeing him and his job as glamerous on some level. Maybe that's because I work with him and he has a lot of personality. Of course it's not very glamorous to clean up after messy idiots all day and he certainly doesn't see it that way. "I'm not a hero, I'm a coward," was his remark yesterday. But being down to earth and introspective instead of being on permanent summer vacation in fantasy camp takes bravery too. Ari used to be like (in a macho-manly way I should add) those proverbial girls who sit around complaining that all men suck instead of addressing their own problems that keep making them a target for sucky men who pray on vulnerable women and keep them under-appreciated by the good guys. He had excuses for everything like he can't make friends or date because he gets soooo nervous. Now he's come to realize that nearly everyone has this nervousness and most of us have forced ourselves to overcome it. His problems are largely his own fault and, ironically, the fault of really nice well-meaning religious people who babied him and let him get away with not having to grow up; his mother smartly tried not to baby him despite her obvious instincts to do otherwise and seems like an amazing woman.

I guess it's not news to say this but, given the GI Joe cliche of bravery that the media tosses around, I bet most men asked to name the bravest person in their life will mention a woman first. Ari would probably say his mother. She somehow scrambled to get enough money and food to raise 5 children after her husband was suddenly murdered, not to mention other things you can only imagine. For me, it's my girlfriend in college and, as I think about it now, almost all the girls I've dated. My college girlfriend had an alcoholic father and an unbelievably sketchy step-father as a kid, two other girlfriends of mine were sick and nearly died when they were young, and two more are dancers and went through what sounds like a hellish experience of rejection and demoralization in school. But far from remaining beaten down they emerged from all these things wise and strong. They're the first to cry for others in a tragedy and the first to persevere through it and not let it ruin them. To be vulnerable with your heart on your sleave, down to earth about yourself and your problems and yet bravely face the very emotionally treacherous world we live in with no shield of bullshit...and to do all that and still be a happy upbeat vibrant person who's wonderful to everyone around them is an incredibly brave and impressive thing. Certainly more than these people you meet who seem brave at first but turn out to be hiding in a manichean fantasy land and derive all of their strength from their own ignorance. Ari is an amazingly cool and brilliant guy and very few people know him well enough to really know that that's true. His job is in juxtaposition to that, as far as he's concerned, and maybe that's what ultimately interests me so much about watching him work everyday. I'll take some real and properly exposed and lit pictures of him sometime soon and we'll see what I come up with...what images define him or, perhaps intentionally or even humorously, don't.

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NEW OLD POLAROIDS

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AVENUE B

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MR. CLEAN MR. CLEAN

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ALL OVER THE PLACE

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PASSED

I passed my exam thursday. I thought I'd be nervous because I didn't prepare much and made my presentation at 1am the night before, but everytime I started to get freaked out I thought about my aunt who I've been visiting in the hospital and my heart slowed back down. It's hard to get worried about some stupid science career crap when you remember that other people's problems are much more important.

After work I met up with my dad at the oyster bar because fresh herring is in season (I eat anything esp. seafood) and then met up with my friend and our business partner and his fashion model girlfriend for a business dinner. The girl frowned a lot unless you talked to her and then she smiled delightfully before going to back to frowning. It seems like everyone I know these days is a character. They left for a industry party and we back to my friend's house for some celebratory recreation and to meet up with our druggy friend who was trying to sell us his air conditioner. I got a call from my old friend Angie who was so excited for me that she took a cab over from some silly meatpacking nonsense and we hung out at 151 while I started to space out (my pupils were red flying saucers in every picture). Angie and I have been friends for like five years now which makes me feel old considering how different we were when we met. At about 1am we met borko and veronica who's in town all week and was smashed already. That was more fun than I've had in a long time. I can't even show you half the pictures. I should pass giant exams more often.

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ACE

Ari found out that my phd is going to be finished in the nearer rather than farther future and started crying. "I'm not crying," he said. "My eyes just make some water because the allergies is thick this place." Auhhh. I'm gonna miss everyone in my lab. But it's not for a while so I don't know if it's time to get worked up yet.

Today he was feeling better and calling me colorful names in portuguese as usual (which I actually understand). So I decided to give him a gay porno name. Ace Easybutt. He didn't like it and could only come up with Andy Pinto Mole for me. So I rechristened myself Shorn McNuggets. But nothing beats Ace Easybutt especially when Ari repeats it back. "Ace da easybutt guy...hey man, my butt is not easy!"

THE BRONX IS COOL

I went to a fun house party in the south bronx on saturday. My friend is a teacher up there and her friend Ms. G______ (they all refer to each other as Miss) was throwing a big party with her roommate who's a famous artist. I think they both went to nyc fashion high school so they were all stylish and hip and their apartment looked great. The music alternated between latino dance and rock and roll. I stocked up great food and tried not to be exhausted from the night before. I didn't really take any pictures. All the teachers were these wonderful down to earth girls who were cool and so pretty. My lower school teachers looked like stunt doubles for the golden girls. I should have gone to elementry in the bronx and gotten myself held back 12 years to meet a cool girlfriend. Or I guess it would be easier to just go to this party. Yeah. Friday, I went to a graduate school party which of course turned into an insecure people and drunk annoying-guy laden dramafest. The exception being the croatians and serbs at my school who actually have their shit together and can have fun. Beware some of these pictures are graphic.

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OH THE HUMIDITY

I took a shower, dried myself off and I'm still soaking wet. I need a haircut.

Instead of brunch today (too hot for anything cooked), we went to the italian food center on grand and got a couple of those perfect prosciutt & mozzarell sandwiches they sell and had a picnic in the park.

SWANKY WESTSIDE

I went to party at the soho grand last night (I've never been) for a exihibition of a sixties photographer who shot a lot of warhol. I met people my age for a fucking change. Soho grand was cool and so was west soho. I haven't hung out down there since college. Now that I have some money I need an excuse to buy some more nice clothes. As noted at my high school reunion I've been wearing the exact same clothes since the 8th grade. Some wimpy shithead was commenting here that I'm trying to be indie rock. As if a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers is some kind of fashion statement. I was lazy in 1990 and I'm lazy now. Not much has changed.

I hooked up with good people and it seems like I'll be making some decent extra money doing freelance programming, video editing and internet marketing. Plus I might tag along with a good photogapher this summer who's shooting in russia. I'd like to learn how to light and take a plane to russia while I'm at it. That's all sometime after next week when I have a huge admission to doctoral candidacy exam where these famous scientists can ask me really hard questions and I have to try and answer them and still look good. Kind of like a senate hearing. I'm almost done with this PhD thing though.

I bought a wireless slave flash for my little crappy camera. Only 100 bucks. Amazing what you can get for so little money now. It works up to 10 feet. Translated into simple terms, it's a tiny little flash I can hold or place somewhere to bouce off walls or add diffused light to the picture. Good for portraits. So I'll try to teach myself better flash techniques. I only tried it on ben so far while we were out for saint marks yakitori at oh-taisho (we're both addicted to the giant liter-size cokes and chicken skewers so we go there all the time) . Anyway, not bad for a piece of crap camera. And here's some pictures from last night after I got back from soho and went dancing with the fashion girls.

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