THIS ABOVE ALL... AND ALL
LIFUS INTERRUPTUS
I reread Hamlet on the bus this week because I'm apparently reading books from high school these days. Last month I reread 1984 which is scarier than ever both in terms of the bush administration and these muslim countries. I was inspired to rekindle my contempt for crummy people for if not stopped they do have a great impact. And to fight for what I want. I just finished an interview week for a job. I'm old so I need to get out of school and do something. At this point I may well just get a master's degree and leave. How about strategic in house consulting? Not good right. But they use every opportunity to refer to the place as a "think tank." I wondered if you need to get a license to get that title. It sounds so much better than consulting. That's because, conservative politicians not withstanding, people will think you must be a genius if you work there. Pretty neat trick actually. Everyone likes to work "oh down at the old think tank, where else?" It's like my friend who's literally a rocket scientist at cal tech. It was actually pretty cool. But a lot of it was sort of the same problem I have with science. Not the job, the people. There are smart people and then there are fake smart people. People who have very little going on in life and have nothing better to do but work really hard. They're not really smart and innovative as much as they're just dorks. But some of the guys in the office were calm and brilliant. Like where they ask you a question and you think you've answered it well, but then they've thought about it way more than you and have a brilliant opinion. I like to work with people smarter and more interesting than me which is what got me into this stupid endless school thing in the first place. That worked out to some extent. My friends Luke, Gaorav, Kelly and Jared are some of the best people I'll probably ever meet. (Luke was an iPod sillouette for halloween complete with black makup, a glowing fake iPod and fiber optic headphones he built all himself. He's artistic, writes at a publishable level, knows crazy things like kung fu and got into a shotgun fight with crackheads when he was living off campus at hopkins. And he's a really funny nice guy).
I think my mistake was not to realize that there are great people everywhere. I have an ex-girlfriend who went to NCSA for dance. Dance school is insanely hard work and she was working at a restaurant and yet she had time to do tons of brilliant shit. From artwork to reading...lots and lots of reading. I'm not sure how many literature classes she's even taken in her life but I quickly realized that her self-deprecating politeness about my feeble comments on what she was reading were just her being nice. The girl literally reads a book everyday. Maybe more. Really good books. She's read everything, has a brilliant sense of style and taste and she's a sweet, wonderful, good person with a pierced right nipple...nice right. Her friends were smart too. I've never felt dumber than hanging out with those girls. It was great. Being smart didn't stop them from having a personality and something to say. Imagine that. They were also exciting and fun to be around. I need to do something for a living that I'm not just good at but passionate about. And it turns out I'm passionate about the people I'm around as much as what I do. My experience at the lab I'm working at has been especially awful. I joined it with promises that we were going to be an interesting transcription lab. Instead, the professor I work for filled the place with his cronies who need a job and mostly unqualified people. It was beyond my wildest dreams of how unintellectual a science lab could be. And I'm noticing that science in general is a dumping ground for people who like to be alone a lot and are not very socially competent. They claim that they love the work but really, they couldn't make it doing anything else because they're the type more likely to be demoted to the basement than get the key to the executive bathroom.
When I was in college I never really hung out with scientists. I had a bunch of friends from english class because there were really hot girls in my english classes. And I made some life long friends with a variety of people I met through where I lived but I guess I didn't exactly chit chat in advanced biology lecture. And the labs I worked in were pretty special apparently, because I met some kick ass people. Most of whom left science I might add and thought I was stupid to go to grad school. The people in my lab now and much of the graduate school have personalities that range from sawdust to driftwood. Sometimes if I'm lucky I get a dead moth. Kind of like getting a lump of coal in your office mailbox everyday. And if I thought biologists were barely breathing, medical students are even worse. They've got the deadly combination of social skills and having nothing whatsoever to say. Where do people that boring come from. I've met some of their parents. They breed that way. These people could almost stop time if they were in the same room together and no one was there to see it. They're like that couple in Annie Hall that Woody accosts on the street saying "You look like a really happy couple. Are you?" They respond, yes. "So how do you account for it." The woman responds, "well, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say." And the man chimes in "And I'm exactly the same way."
I grew up in a jewish family with novelists, artists, comedians, intellectuals. Up until now I was the only scientist and I'm beginning to understand why. And I grew up in New York. I'm used to people being entertaining. Not to mention good and stand up types. I don't know if science/medical people are just bitter at the world for a particularly embarrassing weggie in high school gym class or they're just plain emotionally limited. I'm not asking for much, I just want to spend my time working with a team of people who lived a little. Doctors who don't make fun of their aids patients for instance. People who know something, anything, about life. Hang around with boring people all day and you start to become one. It's a horrible experience.
I don't know what I'm going to do for a living. Photography is something I've always been obsessed with without even thinking to take it seriously for a long time. But it's so hard to do really well and I'm constantly feeling that I'll never produce anything good enough. And there are so many insanely talented people in commercial art. I feel like I can never take a great picture. But I do love portraits and fashion photography. I'm probably one of the only strait men in the doctors office who flips though vogue over newsweek. And while I'm not at all happy with my photo skills compared to my peers, I've noticed a lot of them (don't tell anyone but especially in fashion photography) are just in it because they want to fuck hot chicks. Most models are like nineteen, or sixteen. It sounds great but they're so young. I used to work for a fashion photographer who's girlfriend was 19 and they had been dating for 4 years. He's over 30, and she's from St. Petersburg. I barely have anything to say to 23 year olds, I don't know how he does that but it's weird. Anyway, I do fine. The last thing I need is more women to hit on. I don't care if I end up some lowly photo editor at Sad-Sac magazine with no hoopla. Sounds pretty fun actually.
I wouldn't rule out a fancy job-job either. I found out that, strangely enough, I liked midtown. I liked feeling well dressed and taking what I do seriously. Walking out to get lunch was fun and I eyed the well dressed people like a bourgeois feral child recently decamped from my jungle rearing at the hoofs of heard animals. People on the street looked good, like pretty, crisp flowers in bloom. All different colors and types. Their heads were up, their feet in a strong gate. They seemed to have a strange sense about them that was hard to nail down at first. On the line for my delicious and affordable japanese talkout (where I work people have no taste and all the nearby food is horrible), I had an overwhelming feeling that the people around me were comfortable in their own skin. Not so much that they were polarizingly happy or especially wonderful but they were complete people. That they could walk into any room full of people and not cower and feel inadequate. That they lacked a deep paranoid insecurity that I've sadly come to expect.
Posted on Wednesday, November 01, 2006, 01:11 PM
Comments
Come to San Francisco. I can find you a job you'll enjoy.... you will barely make rent every month... but you'll have the time of your life. Enjoy yourself while you can. Andrew.
Love,
Alex
Posted by: Alex Pasternak on November 3, 2006 07:04 AM
you can't leave new york,we need you,you are very important for some people.
Posted by: TNT on November 4, 2006 03:59 AM
i'm just a random guy on the internet, but i can very much understand where you're coming from re work etc. i think as you hit your mid/later 20s, you go through a stage which is like 'wait a fucking minute, i'm not going to put up with this bullshit anymore' and you begin fighting for whatever it is you love, or you begin fighting harder to find what exactly it is you love. either way, i think you're on the right path; the first step is realisation and then action... don't stand for second best. soldier on 'depunk, i like your writing. and i like your photos.
Posted by: none on November 6, 2006 02:48 PM
Yeah, it helps to be older and have the balls to do it on your own. Plus you start to realize that there's advice from people who are in your field and, even better, who may also know you, and then there's just dumb idle advice from people who haven't thought about it much. People tell me I should really get the medical degree, it'll help in the future. Oh really, will it?
Motherfucker I'm 30; this is the future. What the fuck am I a gonna do with a medical degree. Ari suggested that I could shove it up my ass. Yeah, that's about it. People aren't going to be impressed with me because I'm a exhausted bored older guy with a medical degree. They're going to be impressed that I love what I do and work my ass off.
Posted by: Casa de Punk on November 6, 2006 02:57 PM
CdP:
I am a scientist - did my degree in micro at NYU. I've been reading your site on and off for probably three years and have watched your evolution with respect to science, music, and women. Just wanted to let you know that you've encapsulated the dilema of being passionate about your interests, your work, and wanting to do something meaningful while being trapped in life science grad school. I especially appreciated your characterization of the majority of people who remain in academics. I can't give you any advice, but just wanted to let you know I went through the same mental calculus about staying and finishing or leaving for something better. It worked out for me and I hope it works out for you.
Posted by: Agent 0019 on December 17, 2006 07:41 PM
Oh, by the way. I seriously considered joining the lab you're in for a post-doc, but it was full. Good thing, huh?
Posted by: Agent 0019 on December 17, 2006 07:47 PM